Mar 31, 2008

penguin on vacation.

i woke up today on a phone call brought me the worst news i want to hear these days.

the least you can describe my life so far is abnormal .People and friends always looked to me as some kind of super human for my age,given the circumstances and situation i had had put through and still,been under tremendous pressure for as long as i can remember ,literally ,and so,i was trained to be a super human ,what people see as a unique ability to deal with hard situation in an impressive way was often insignificant to me, just another day ,I'm like a well trained dog doing things dogs are not supposed to do,I'm a dog who plays the piano !or a penguin who can skate board! but,i never took the praise for real ,unless i needed a boost ,I'd read those messages saved in my cell phone or emails for a weak moment to read and recharge.

along the way, I've developed some bad habits when crisis occurred ,non-pleasant actions to be taken to release some anger so i could wear my super man costume again,among which, screaming my through out, punching the nearest wall, throwing objects and making sure they're broken to the last piece ,and smoking .

along the way as well, I've regretted those actions when they effected someone else ,when i caused my family worry and exposed myself as a weak to those who looked up to me,brother,sister,and mom. so i trained the dog and the penguin i am to lose those habits ,thinking of it now, i think i was most worried about myself not others,because now each of these habits is associated with a negative feeling and a horrible memory which i don't wish to recall.

so today ,it all hit me back at once ,i found myself throwing away the phone,screaming my through out,pushing the wardrobe, smashing the 1st thing i could reach (a calculator and a plate), and here i am,it took me 5 minutes to decide weather I'm lighting that cigarette or not,I'm putting down the 4th cigarette right now.and it feels like sh!t.

have you ever paid attention to "Scrubs" -the tv show- theme song "I'm no super man" ? whenever it said "no i can't do this all on my own ,no i know, I'm no superman " i always thought "hell yea,i am super man" .but for now,I'd like to step down and say no,i am no super man.i need a break.penguin on vacation.


Daglees said...

Put those filthy cigarettes down!

I'd write more here but I'm on msn with you so...

Put those godamn cigarettes down.

poprage said...

طفي السجاير و طفي غضبك

و اشرب عصير لمون و تأسف لكل واحد جرحته بكلمة خاصه العائلة

و بعديها تعال نلعب طرنيب


life is unfair

SuperNova said...

don't be too hard on yourself, it's only human to rant every once in a while..
blogging about it here is a good alternative though!

NasEr said...

yea i guess it is.
anyway that was long ago.super man mode is on again :p
thx for stopping by.

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