High Voltage : My left foot and "EL Lemby"

High voltage is what I'd categorize the movie "My Left Foot" starring the genius Daniel Day-Lewis under ,I don't know how i haven't heard about this movie before,I owe Hareega big time for this :D! Every line of the script was outstanding on it's own ! The story itself is inspiring and intense, the amount of emotions DD Lewis sent out through his body moving and shaking was tremendous ,to be a crippled i believe is the hardest kind of acting,and I've done some,embracing the state of mind of a physically or mentally challenged isn't the easiest thing to do ,simulating the feeling one would feel to not be able to express his feelings in words or even free body movement is unimaginable i think!i applaud HUGH O'Conor who played young Christy Brown as well.
I can go for pages talking about DD Lewis genuisity and originallity ,this movie must be seen if you're interested in fine art !on a personal level the movie dug up old memories of mine ,also retriggered the constant feelings unstability towards my mom n dad ,it was so great that I'm writing about it right now at almost 4 am.some of what i want to say i'll write down in my journal not here,somethings feel right on paper for some reason,more intimate i guess,my journal's papers are yellow-ish ,maybe thats it.
anyway,what brought Mohammad Sa'ad (El Lembi) to my mind as i watched the movie,and this might sound crazy or add to some,that I've noticed that a lot of the key charastaristics of Sa'ad's characters are some how copied or lets say was inspired by other performances by other actors, Arabs and non Arabs,last of which is the way he speak! i couldn't help but to notice the big resemblance of the famous way Sa'ad speaks with in his movies to DD Lewis's as Christy Brown in "My Left Foot" ,i now believe that a lot of what made El Lembi unique is just a mosaic of little bits from here and there,he gets credit for that anyway,plus he is so talented and original in his own way,even when he do something in his movies that was inspired by someone else he adds to it,and he has his own stuff too,so far.so make no mistake i like him too,but what fascinates me in general is the originality ,coming up with something no one did or thought about before! Saun Penn in "I'm Sam",a dance coreographer ! ,Michelangelo's Sculpture of David etc ..., creating something out of nothing without having a look on how it was done before,because it wasn't,is fascinating ,its high voltage!

Never Ending Rush Hour

I was reading Rawia's blog,and i found my self telling her "some day soon,you'll look at this time you were feeling this way as a shadow of another girl's dreams of trust me . "

I think that is how i felt after i accomplished a little of what i wanted,and it feels great,its just like when you wait long for a taxi cab in a hot summer day at rush hour,you wait and wait and you feel dizzy,you wait longer and start thinking should i walk a little bit further straight ahead i might catch a cab there,or should i move a bit backwards,and then you start feeling your feet hurt,you suddenly become aware of all your body parts,because they're sore and hurt now ,and then your forehead starts to sweat, you lean a little bit on your left leg and then you switch to the other leg and now whatever that you're holding in your hands starts to feel much heavier and you keep looking at your watch and minutes feel like hours and then you start noticing more things you didn't notice before,you start to think of how -unawarely- lucky these people in their cars with the windows rolled up and the AC playing with their hair,you then realize that while you were in a car you never gave a thought about those waiting on the side walk,now you might be a bit angry after an hour waiting and the side walk is now filled with many people lining up to catch a cab just like you, and then you think "how on Earth am I gonna catch one with all those people here!" and you're now more angry and more tired and you start to rant and your eyebrows crossed and you're nervous and comes someone ask you "what time is it" and you don't know why you feel like punching him in the face !!
Suddenly,a cab drops off someone right in front of you and you jump into the cab,once you're there,couple of meters away,ALL those feelings of tiredness,anger,envy,and feeling sorry for yourself and the other 50 people waiting for a cab goes away !your eyebrows are back to their normal shape and you enjoy the ride,by the time you get to your destination ,you totally forgot about the agony of how you got there,couple of days later,and this whole experience would seem to be so old and you won't relate to it as if it was shadows of another man's dream !
that's how life goes i believe,I now -happily- have a lot of shadows of another man's dreams in my head,they're almost gone with their problems and shitty situations .and it feels great.
so keep doing what you're doing until you reach there and feel good about it.its awesome.

Look Closer !

I'm a big believer of knowing WHAT do you want to achieve shouldn't necessarily be paired with knowing exactly HOW to do it .That surely doesn't mean throwing out all kind of dreams with no plan or no sense of how to achieve it what so ever,its just the little details that would take you there that you shouldn't care much about ,they'll come to you ,once you've done your part and home work they should come,and thats how you become a super man ,when you say i want to do something and do it, others will be surprised of HOW you did,and so you'll be yourself ! Many might argue that this is nonsense ,and how come it doesn't work for all ,well for a starter ,those who didn't make it probably didn't believe they're capable of making it in the 1st place ,those still have to work on their self esteem and confidence to conquer what seems "impossible" or "too much" or "too good to happen" ,and others who might have that faith in themselves might just miss the opportunity once it comes knocking their doors . how do you miss an opportunity? one might say ! well we miss a lot of opportunities everyday ,all kind of opportunities ,opportunities to see something beautiful and feel good about it .. when was the last time you carefully watched a bird flying , eating or drinking ?when was the last time you noticed a butterfly around ?

opportunities to make us feel loved and accepted the way we are and make us feel good about it .. when was the last time you told your mother that you love her ? straight forward for no reason ,"i love you mom" or to your dad or siblings ,when was the last time you told a friend how much you appreciate him/her ?
opportunities that make us grateful to whatever that is we have ,and make us feel good about it ..when was the last time you gave a good thought about orphans ,the poor ,the handicapped ,the children in war zones,the abused women ?
if we miss all those "little" stuff,are you still wondering how do we miss long-anticipated opportunities ?

just look closer at everything ,sometimes opportunities comes knocking at your door steps,literally ,and you turn away from them.
If you didn't give up and were consistent about WHAT do you want,it might come back to you ,and then you'll feel good about it.no regrets.
today one came back to me ! I'm so grateful .
I wish you a good "luck",if there is any "luck" in that game.

* Photograph by Abed Dodokh (Royal)

The Hooker From Kazakhstan

My friend came visiting recently ,i took him pretty much everywhere, one night we went to this nightclub with friends, the thing about Bangkok's nightclubs and bars that they close pretty early ,just like any place in Bangkok,except for couple of "underground" ones that stays open all night,i don't know why are they still referred to as "under ground" since everyone knows about them ! anyway, the other distinguished thing about nightclubs in BKK that no matter how classy the place is ,there will be free lancer hookers waiting to fish some drunken horny foreigner , couple of visits and you'll be able to spot them right on by the way they dress,dance,and act ,they're often dancing on the polls up high to show the goods and tease to please, i often find time to set back and watch,just watch, the people, the locals,the foreigners,both males and females,how the foreign girl look up (down) at the hookers,how the hookers try to fish with their eyes,i sometimes draw an imaginary line from their eyes where they initiate contact with (you),and how they pull (you) closely,nice and smoothly with the biggest smile on their faces, sometimes the thread is real shaky and vibrate,in that case it doesn't come out from the eyes,depending on your soberness and the music,the fishing thread would come out from different places ,and its really amazing,the fishing process i mean,its exactly like fishing, 1st the bate,now you're hooked,whether by eyes or other round body parts,and then the pulling begins ,(you) find yourself magically moving slowly to the poll,or wherever she is dancing at the floor,but (you)'re not often the only prey ,turned out ,the fisher throws a whole net all over,covering 360 degrees from where she is !now that you're there,and pulling is successfully completed :

• " take me out from the water" ,you say ,"I'm here already" .

and so she hears the unspoken words, gives you a hand,a hip,a back,a hug,a kiss,a lap dance, whatever you want ,she'll try them all at 1st,see what gets you to hang on to her waste tighter,once she knew what is it you like the most,she'll focus on that,once she makes sure that you're a good fish,and you're not trying to escape to another fisher ,she'll release the other still-on-the-way fishes, and the conversation starts :

• where you from ?
• bla bla
• whats your name ?
• bla bla

and the dancing continues. 15 minutes later, they'll be dancing like two people joint at birth, no separation what so ever, making out is constant ,touching and laughing as well, another 15 minutes,and they're either out of there heading to where they'll be spending the night ,or she is up there trying with another one ,the guy was apparently just a tease !it was a waste of time !

For me hookers where exciting one time only,the 1st time,i was a tease fish,i really can't get involved with one,or pay for sex, the more i watch them,the more i get mixed feelings about them ! some times they disgust me ! and sometimes i feel pity for them ! Prostitution is wrong and it demeans women,i even feel its demeaning when pretty girls show up in sexy dresses in the auto mobile exhibitions or so,the idea of me looking at something because there is a pretty woman next to it,or even looking at the woman displaying herself is repulsive to me .it feels uncomfortable and wrong.

Whenever i get out i like to get to know new people,foreigners or Thai ,but not the Thai hookers,the rest of the nice and neat Thai people,so that night,there was this non Thai woman,dressed nicely ,blond,a bit taller than average Thai gurls,wide eyes,you could easily tell she wasn't a Thai, but she was by herself,and foreigners usually go out in groups,you'd rarely find one girl by herself clubbing after 2 am !and she wasn't dancing or anything either !she was just setting there !in the middle of the club,she looked like she had lost someone in the crowd and trying to locate him or something, after a while she was gone ,and so did my friend !i lost him !so i waited by our table ,and then decided its time to have a look around ,i looked everywhere and couldn't find him so i got out looking for him near the entrance,i didn't find him there either,on the way back in,i saw the blond lady setting by herself near the entrance,so i approached her :

• Hey, have you seen a guy a bit taller than me with tied curly hair?
• No, your friend in white shirt no ?
• Yes!
• No i haven't seen him
• are you looking for someone as well ? I saw you setting there looking around
• No i didn't lose anyone ,i came by my self
• oh okay, how long have you been in Thailand?
• 6 months
• oh really!what do you do here?
• I work
• What do you do exactly ? I work here too
• "you know" she said,and gave me this smile and a wink !
• I was surprised! i haven't seen non-Thai hookers around before! and i laughed
• "entertainer ha? "
• yea
• so why aren't you dancing ?
• i danced a lot in the night club i was at before this one
• ahaaa, and where are you from ?

she said something like Kazakhstan or something,i couldn't really understand the word with the loud music, "and what about you ?" she added .

• "Jordan" i said ,do you know where Jordan is ?
• yea yea i know,I'm not stupid,Israel Dubai Bahrain !

i said smiling/laughing,and how are you gonna work if you're too tired to dance even?
she burst into laughing : No no,just show me money,when i see money,i get energized no problem.

• And what if i have money but I'm really ugly ?
• "If you have money I will fuck you even if you look like *********"

(she said the name of one of the Arab presidents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i couldn't help but laugh my lungs out !! how the hell does she know his name,and how da hell does she know he is ugly !it only shows the strong bond between her and a certain group of Arabs who apparently have something for blonds ! and then there was those 30 seconds where i really felt bad for her,30 seconds of silence,looking at me,kind of waiting for me to say whether I have money and want her or not !it was humiliating! i felt it was humiliating i don't know about her !so i said "good luck then" she said "good luck to you too finding your friend,if i see him i will tell him" .
and she went back to set where she was setting before this conversation started,i headed back to our table n found my friend waiting with the rest of our friends ,couple of hours later when we went back home nearly at 5 or 6 am, she was still there where i left her,with a Arab guy hanging to her nick ,i waved her good bye laughing , she winked at me with the biggest smile !

It was one of those times where i really didn't know how or what to feel !