Nov 25, 2008

The Great Women of My Life

There is something about women, that is so...unique?! if there is a word to describe it, when a woman love she gives, enormously and unconditionally , in an unimaginable way, I don't know and can't understand how they do it ,its just in them, and once one of those crossed your path, they leave a permanent print, which also puzzles me ,I can't understand how they do that-to me at least -,I find it very glamorous and enticing.

 Now why has this been crossing my mind lately I have no idea ! probably has to do with my fascination with this amazing French girl I recently met, and as usual , my too conscious and grossly subjective mind took me from thinking of the girl on the surface to think of the ones who mattered for real, and as usual ,because I can't easily give people credit for what they do ,compliment them, or tell them how I really feel about them -because I've got serious issues :/ - I find myself wanting to write it down and put it out there, hoping that someone would think "ohh how nice", and therefore the feeling of guilt of not telling these people what I want to say in their faces would hopefully go away, kinda tricking myself, but you see I'm grossly subjective goddamn me I can't really trick myself, but I’ll give it a shot .

 1st is my mother , and my mother haven't had the easiest ride of life , its not the usual mom sacrifices which are tremendous ,but being ill since the age of 20, a divorcee who could not witness 10 years of her children's life except for holidays ,and despite all that keep working ,teaching, for a whole 25 years ,staying as strong yet as emotional and vulnerable as you'd expect a mom to be, devoting -Hello Lady_D :) - her whole life , literally ,for her kids whom at times were ungrateful ,and eventually seeing how forgiving and giving she still is after they united ,gives her a higher status than all the moms I could think of . I live now to make her happy, thats my 1st priority in life, if I do that then I have no problem dying the next day, you know that part of Marcel's song ? "و أعشق عمري لأني إذا مت أخجل من دمع أمي؟" that’s my bible, I live by that .The other day I had a nightmare in which I was to be executed ,and when they asked me what’s my last wish was, I told them to bring me a tape recorder, so i could record myself pretending to answer her phone call "hello...ahlannn...I'm are you? too...i miss you too...yes I'll come back I just need to finish some work here...I have to go,I love you too,I love you I love you " and told them to call her once a month and play the recorder hoping that she'd buy it!

 My sister of course comes next ,she was the mom when there was no mom, always my best friend ,the kindest person to me ever, no matter what I did, and no matter how harshly she scolded me for keeping my room in constant chaos ,always took care of me, the almighty strong Naser as if I was a baby ! at times, I wished I could be her ,so she won't have to go through what she had to go through !I still do sometimes, now she is all grown up, successful, and about to be married , and she is still taking care of me! Not by waking up when I got back late from work to make me a cup of tea and a sandwich and get back to sleep. but overseas ! I can't overcome the idea that she'll no longer be my sister end of story. can’t grasp the idea of this new man comin into her life, I hate it, I know I know ... I had been talked about it enough but I still can't grasp it ,7or ana.I only wish I can pay her back somehow .

 A friend I had at the university, excluding my mom and sister, the most giving and generous girl I've ever met, so extremely unconditionally loved me and been there for me, knowing that I can't commit to loving her back as much, not because I didn't love her back, but the conditions could be tricky sometimes ,this one I know I haven't paid back enough, and when I tried it  was a lil bit too late ,but I'll never ever forget what she'd done for me that’s for sure .

 And last but not least, my ex boss, a single mom, and i don't think there is a tougher thing in the world than a single mom, such a role model ,independent, successful, strong, and so amazingly generous ,and when I say generous, I don't mean financially generous, that’s the easy part, its to give without being asked or obligated to, to give of your time and mind to someone else ,to help when you can, she had done me the greatest favor in my life ,if it wasn't for what she'd done to help me I wouldn't be able to be here, somehow, actually i wouldn't be able to do anything else before i have dealt with that ...and for that I’m forever grateful  .

 It is so beautiful to have connected with those 4 great women on this deep level ,I am so appreciative of that, I don't really believe in luck, but I can't find a better  justification to have been related to these people except for being lucky ! and that’s as "lucky" can get from me . People, tell the people you love I LOVE YOU, before its too late ,I’ll probably star with myself .